


The Fane Aryss Show

by Ne_Obliviscaris



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, Star Wars The Force Awakens
Genre: Crack, Funny, Humor, I am so sorry but not really, If vlogging existed in Star Wars, Pranks and Practical Jokes, There is so much crack here it might be illegal, Zero respect for any characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-05-28 17:38:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15054359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ne_Obliviscaris/pseuds/Ne_Obliviscaris
Summary: Fane Aryss is a little old to be a lieutenant, a fate she was saddled with because of the late age in which she joined the First Order. However, because she wasn't raised in the order, she has little patience for the histrionics and mental instabilities of her coworkers. What do you do, though, after Kylo Ren has destroyed the fifth console in a week and Hux has taken to muttering into his Tarine tea? Well, you make vids bitching about it, of course.





	The Fane Aryss Show

Connix leaned through the open doorway. “Hey, Dameron, are you–” She raised her brows. “What are you watching?”

Poe looked up from his console. “Oh, you’re going to love this. Come on in. I’ll start it over.”

She entered his room and stood just behind him. He tapped a few keys and the holovid returned to the beginning.

A young woman with straight, shoulder-length hair smiled at them. The colors were washed out because of the low quality of the console but it was obvious she had blonde hair and wore a black tank top. The background was a little murky. However, it looked like a bedroom or the quarters on a starship.

Dameron hit ‘play’.

“Hello, friends! It’s Fane Aryss, lieutenant of the First Order, coming at you with another episode of ‘What the hell is up with my coworkers?’”

“What?” Connix asked, disbelief coloring her voice.

Dameron hushed her.

“Okay, so you guys will not believe what happened to me yesterday. As I’m sure you’re all very aware, the First Order has strict guidelines about hair and dress. Luckily, though, no one has mandated Hux’s hair gel routine yet.”

Dameron chuckled.

“Yesterday, I somehow got a small stain on the back of my uniform. I don’t know how it got there. It was this weird yellow smudge. It might have happened in the officer’s mess because I got pushed against the pudding bar.” She waved a hand. “But that’s another story for later. Point is, I didn’t know it was there or I would have gone to change. But Mitaka decided he hadn’t brown-nosed enough that day and went and told on me to the general. So guess who had to stand at attention while getting chewed out by His Gingerness? This chick. That’s why I’ve come up with a little bit of revenge.”

Aryss leaned out of the frame and started to rummage around for something. 

Connix asked, “Dameron, what is this?”

He paused the vid. “It’s the best thing ever. This is an actual lieutenant in the First Order and she has weekly videos where she complains about her coworkers. She even does compilations and short skits. Last month, she did a series of pranks on Captain Peavey. It was hilarious. I’m surprised you haven’t heard of her. She’s all over the HoloNet.”

“I don’t really spend much time on the ‘Net.”

“Missing out.” He pressed the play button.

Aryss straightened and held up a bottle of bright pink nail polish. Since the color came through so brightly in the washed-out vid, it had to be neon in real life.

“This,” she said, “is from a friend of mine on Naboo. Huge shout out to Cara Manx. Girl, you are a lifesaver. So, this stuff is the best nail polish you can get anywhere in the galaxy. Period. Don’t ‘at me’. What makes it so great is that it doesn’t fade, doesn’t chip, and has a beautiful luster. However, it does have a downside. It’s harder to get off than Kylo Ren. Seriously, the last time I used this, it took almost a whole bottle of remover and my nails still looked a little pink-ish for a week afterward. They should use it to paint Star Destroyers because Poe Dameron wouldn’t be able to scorch it off.”

“She mentioned me!” Dameron shouted. “Did you hear that? Oh, I’m going to replay that part.”

Connix stared at him like he was insane as he backed up the vid just to hear that part again.

“We wear gloves in the Order,” Aryss continued, “but gloves have to come off sometimes. Wouldn’t it be just awful if you pulled off your gloves and this was on your fingernails?” Her grin took on a wicked cast. 

The vid cut from her face to a dimly lit room. It was obviously shot with a handheld device, as it shook a little. The image swung around and a small light turned on. A snoozing man laid in the bed, one hand against his chest. The nails were bright pink. The vid cut back to the original image of Aryss sitting in front of her recorder.

“I did both hands,” she said. “Also, just for the record, Mitaka will sleep through anything. I hope we never come under attack during a sleep cycle or he will never make it to his post.” She laughed and set the bottle of nail polish down. “All right, my lovelies, that’s it for this episode. Next time, I hope I’ll have a box from Star Crate to open up for you! I think this month’s theme is Fascism for Fun, which sounds super interesting. Bye!”

She blew a kiss at the screen and the vid ended.

“I love her,” Dameron said. “If we ever take her prisoner, I want to meet her.”

“She’s the enemy,” Connix pointed out.

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I can’t find her hilarious.”


End file.
